One of the techniques that couples that I work with find very helpful is called Mirroring, or Intentional Dialogue. My wife and I learned how to do Mirroring when we attended a couples workshop led by Rick Brown, a student of Harville Hendrix, the founder of Imago Therapy. This technique can be applied to any interaction between couples.
Why do we need a technique like Mirroring? When most couples engage in discussions in which strong and differing opinions arise, there is often a tendency to speak without listening, attempt to verbally overpower the other, act defensively, make excuses, all which lead to lack of effective communication. These pitfalls lead to arguments, stalemates, hurt feelings and frustrations. Mirroring helps avoid these common communication pitfalls.
Mirroring consists of three main steps. The first is about reflecting or being heard. The second is about validation and empathy. The third step is about resolution.
Mirroring begins when one person asks the other if they will mirror them. The second person does not need to agree at that moment, but if not, will need to commit to a time that works for both parties.
Mirroring Dialogue
Initiating
- Person 1: “Will you mirror me?”
- Person 2: “Yes,” continue to step 3. If “no”, offer a reason, such as “I’m not ready yet,” and provide a commitment to a suitable time in the near
Reflecting
- Person 1: “When you did (something), it made me feel (emotion).” This can be a few sentences but keep it concise and easy to understand. Example” “When you never help me clean the kitchen, it makes me feel unappreciated.”
- Person 2: “What I hear you saying is that when I did/didn’t (something), it made you feel (emotion). Is that correct?” This should be as close to repeating the statement as possible in the original words. Try to not interpret or use your own words.
- Person 1: If correct, say “yes.” If not, repeat original statement (steps 3-4)
- Person 2: “Is there more?”
- Person 1: If yes, continue in the same manner (step 3 through 6). If no, say “no that’s all.”
If these steps have been done correctly, Person 1 will now feel that they have been heard, which is already a significant step towards effective communication. At this point, we move towards providing validation and empathy.
Validating
- Person 2: If you believe what you heard makes sense from Person 1’s perspective, state “That makes sense because I can see how you would be feeling that way based on what I did/said.” If it doesn’t make sense, go back to steps 3-7 in order to gain clarity. Remember, you do not need to be in agreement, you simply need to offer understanding of Person 1’s feelings.
- Person 1: Acknowledges that they feel validated and understood.
These last two steps are critical because if done correctly, person 1 now not only feels heard, but also validated, understood and empathized with as well. Sometimes, this is sufficient, and the dialogue concludes at this point. However at other times, it may be necessary to go further into resolution.
Resolution
At this point, we move on to resolution, which most often takes the form of person 2 asking if there is anything that person 1 would like to request of them. It is critical for both parties to understand that Person 1’s request is not a demand nor expectation, it is simply a request. Person 2 is not obligated to grant the request, but simply decides to grant the request as a gift. However, once committed to, it is very important to keep the commitment.
- Person 2: “Do you have a request for me?”
- Person 1: “I would like to ask ……….“ Make every attempt to make this a reasonable request and to state it as a request and not a demand or expectation.
- Person 2: Agrees to the request if possible. If not possible, person 2 can suggest altering the request to something that they can reasonably expect to commit to. Do not commit to something you cannot do! Verify if the modified request will still meet person 1’s needs.
Again, remember that a request is neither a demand nor expectation. Person 2 is under no obligation to do this. However, once a request is agreed to, following through becomes necessary in order to establish trust.
That’s it! This is all it takes to significantly improve communication within a relationship. Of course, Mirroring cannot solve all problems, but when used frequently and correctly, it opens the doorway to greater understanding and intimacy.
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