Why do we need a technique like Mirroring? When most couples engage in discussions in which strong and differing opinions arise, there is often a tendency to speak without listening, attempt to verbally overpower the other, act defensively, make excuses, all which lead to lack of effective communication. These pitfalls lead to arguments, stalemates, hurt feelings and frustrations. Mirroring helps avoid these common communication pitfalls.

Mirroring consists of three main steps. The first is about reflecting or being heard. The second is about validation and empathy. The third step is about resolution.

Mirroring begins when one person asks the other if they will mirror them. The second person does not need to agree at that moment, but if not, will need to commit to a time that works for both parties.

Mirroring Dialogue

Initiating

1. Person 1: “Will you mirror me?”
2. Person 2: “Yes,” continue to step 3. If “no”, offer a reason, such as “I’m not ready yet,” and provide a commitment to a suitable time in the near

Reflecting

3. Person 1: “When you did (something), it made me feel (emotion).” This can be a few sentences but keep it concise and easy to understand. Example” “When you never help me clean the kitchen, it makes me feel unappreciated.”
4. Person 2: “What I hear you saying is that when I did/didn’t (something), it made you feel (emotion). Is that correct?” This should be as close to repeating the statement as possible in the original words. Try to not interpret or use your own words.
5. Person 1: If correct, say “yes.” If not, repeat original statement (steps 3-4)
6. Person 2: “Is there more?”
7. Person 1: If yes, continue in the same manner (step 3 through 6). If no, say “no that’s all.”

If these steps have been done correctly, Person 1 will now feel that they have been heard, which is already a significant step towards effective communication. At this point, we move towards providing validation and empathy.

Validating

8. Person 2: If you believe what you heard makes sense from Person 1’s perspective, state “That makes sense because I can see how you would be feeling that way based on what I did/said.” If it doesn’t make sense, go back to steps 3-7 in order to gain clarity. Remember, you do not need to be in agreement, you simply need to offer understanding of Person 1’s feelings.
9. Person 1: Acknowledges that they feel validated and understood.

These last two steps are critical because if done correctly, person 1 now not only feels heard, but also validated, understood and empathized with as well. Sometimes, this is sufficient, and the dialogue concludes at this point. However at other times, it may be necessary to go further into resolution.

Resolution

At this point, we move on to resolution, which most often takes the form of person 2 asking if there is anything that person 1 would like to request of them. It is critical for both parties to understand that Person 1’s request is not a demand nor expectation, it is simply a request. Person 2 is not obligated to grant the request, but simply decides to grant the request as a gift. However, once committed to, it is very important to keep the commitment.

10. Person 2: “Do you have a request for me?”
11. Person 1: “I would like to ask ……….“ Make every attempt to make this a reasonable request and to state it as a request and not a demand or expectation.
12. Person 2: Agrees to the request if possible. If not possible, person 2 can suggest altering the request to something that they can reasonably expect to commit to. Do not commit to something you cannot do! Verify if the modified request will still meet person 1’s needs.

Again, remember that a request is neither a demand nor expectation. Person 2 is under no obligation to do this. However, once a request is agreed to, following through becomes necessary in order to establish trust.

That’s it! This is all it takes to significantly improve communication within a relationship. Of course, Mirroring cannot solve all problems, but when used frequently and correctly, it opens the doorway to greater understanding and intimacy.

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Is depression healthy for us? In an article entitled “Does Depression Serve an Evolutionary Purpose?” in science magazine Nautilus,  Mathew Hutson suggests that depression, rather than being a pathological dysfunction, is actually an evolutionary mechanism for achieving new benefits.

For the many of us who have ever experienced a depressive disorder in ourselves or loved ones, it can truly seem like a “disorder,” something very flawed that brings us unnecessary suffering. However, recent studies suggest that depression, along with its typical symptoms of loss of pleasure, rumination, and increased REM sleep is actually an adaptive way to focus on things that need to be changed in our lives. Loss of pleasure in typical activities, or anhedonia, may be the body’s way of turning attention inward to deal with issues that might otherwise be overlooked. Rumination, the dwelling on certain thoughts, may also be a mechanism to bring attention to the solving of a problem. Increased REM sleep also serves a function in helping to consolidate new memories.

Viewed in this manner, depression isn’t just a set of symptoms that need to be cured. It is the mind/body’s call to action for dealing with a problem that might otherwise be ignored. Although these studies are very recent, this same view was put forth by M. Scott Peck in his groundbreaking book “The Road Less Traveled” in 1978. Peck, in his chapter titled “The Healthiness of Depression” states that depression always accompanies the process of giving up something that no longer serves us. Giving up something that we loved and that has become a part of us makes us feel depressed. This feeling can accompany the loss of a relationship but can also more subtly be associated with the giving up of aspects of our lives or identity that don’t make sense any longer. These feelings of depression are then a call to action to examine the parts of our lives that need to be addressed. Much of the time, depression vanishes on its own, especially as we come to terms with the giving up process. If the call is strong enough or lasts long enough, we seek out the help of a therapist, whose job is then to help identify and complete the growth process that needs to be done.

According to Peck, depression only becomes unhealthy when the giving up process becomes stuck. That is when depression becomes pathological and needs greater examination as to what is hindering the giving up process. Peck believes that childhood trauma can contribute to difficulties in being able to let go. The normal letting go process can also be hindered by parents taking away things and comforts before the child is psychologically ready to give them up. These obstacles to letting go may continue to manifest in the life of the adult, causing more extreme and more prolonged depression symptoms and necessitating deeper therapy.

The recent studies appear to support Peck’s earlier theories and can help us look at depression in a new and even positive way. These uncomfortable feelings are not just unpleasant symptoms to be endured; they are a call to action to help bring about new and healthy behaviors.

Click here for more information on Depression Treatment.

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The book, published in 2006, reflects years of research on the various elements that constitute human fulfillment. It explores ancient wisdom, eastern thought, western theology, modern neuroscience, evolution, cultural influence and other elements. Haidt, a respected professor of psychology, cites numerous research studies and takes a very inclusive view of the many potential facets of happiness. However he isn’t afraid to take controversial positions. For example, although he is an atheist, he is able to see and respect the role that religion plays in happiness. He is also presents challenging queries such as who is likely to be happier – a multi-million dollar lottery winner or a paraplegic accident victim? The answer is, of course, not what you are probably thinking, and the reason why is extremely eye-opening!

Haidt was a contributor to the positive psychology movement, founded by Martin Seligman in the late 90’s. Positive psychology was created because there was entirely too much focus placed on pathology, in other words, what was wrong with people rather than on the study of people’s strengths and virtues. Haidt stays true to the theme of positive psychology by looking for the positive qualities than can lead to happiness rather than believing that happiness is about “curing” negatives such as anxiety or depression. He develops a wonderful analog of the human mind; that of an elephant and its rider. The elephant represents much of the unconscious aspects of our personality, and the rider represents our conscious elements. Needless to say, the rider has limited influence over the elephant and needs to learn gentle methods to persuade and guide, as well as accept his limits.

What hypothesis does the book ultimately discover? The elegant and simple finding is that happiness is largely the result of finding purpose within ones life. Drawing on ancient wisdom and modern science, Haidt concludes that happiness cannot be achieved directly, rather it comes about by creating the right conditions in one’s life. And at the risk of oversimplifying  these conditions, they are a combination of internal and external factors. People need love, work and a feeling of elevation through a connection to something larger than themselves. Or stated differently, we need to develop the right relationships between ourselves and others, between ourselves and our work, and between ourselves and something larger, however we choose to define that.

I read many books, but seldom do I find one that is both so learned and illuminating and yet so difficult to put down.  I will revisit this one again and again and its lessons will certainly find their way into my therapeutic practice.

Click here for more information on Depression Treatment.

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EMBRACE THE SHADOW

Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.
So don’t be frightened, dear friend, if sadness or anxiety casts a shadow over your life. Something is happening within you. Remember that life has not forgotten you. It holds you in its hand and will not let you go. And after all, why would you want to live without pain and unease? You don’t yet know what mysterious work these feelings are accomplishing inside you.

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So now, at age 55, I reread this great book and it may have as well been the first time for how incredibly fresh and meaningful I found it. The book is divided into four main sections: Discipline, Love, Religion and Grace. Each section builds upon the others and feels so psychologically sound and relevant that I found myself quickly bringing aspects into my work with my clients.

The importance of having the discipline to do what is difficult applies to the work of therapy, relationships and all aspects of personal growth. Discipline includes the ability to avoid procrastination and face difficult situations. Discipline includes knowing when it is time to give up outdated concepts of ourselves in order to grow, Discipline also includes being able to face the truth even when the truth is painful to hear.

Understanding that real love is about caring about the growth of your loved one, rather than about what that person can give to you, may seem obvious to some, but to most people, it is a foreign concept. The popular view of love is that the “other” completes us. Dr. Peck challenged this conception and explains that this isn’t real love, but unhealthy dependence.  Only when someone can stand whole in themselves and be fully capable of self-love, can they be capable of receiving love from another, or be full enough to give love to another.

The section on religion surprised me as it was not a unidimensional argument for the importance of (or against) believing in a particular faith, but rather the importance of understanding what it is that we do believe in. What we choose to believe or reject is such a fundamental aspect of our world view on life, death and meaning, that we need to be overt about its importance. This is true regardless of whether our faith is in God or in science or something else entirely.  We may need to grow by being willing to reject our childhood force-fed notions of religion, or we may need to grow by being open to new interpretations. The key is that whatever we choose is just that, our choice of what is right for us, not someone else’s hand-me-down values.

I won’t be able to begin to do justice to the section on grace other than to say that as the most spiritually oriented part of the book, it is both illuminating and thought provoking. It clearly represents Dr. Peck’s world view and may not resonate with everyone in its entirety, but I suspect that aspects will be meaningful to most people.

If you haven’t read this great book as a mature adult or never read it at all, please do yourself the great personal service of discovering its value. I don’t think you will be disappointed!

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Focusing was developed Dr. Eugene Gendlin (see his great book Focusing, which is an easy read) and further developed the Focusing Institute http://www.focusing.org/.  Another  great source on Focusing is Ann Weiser Cornell PhD, (see FocusingResource.com).  Her book The Power of Focusing is also a great introduction to Focusing.

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